If you can't say something nice

Have you ever heard: If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all? I have just learned about rephrasing what the person said to include the feeling you hear. The other day a friend said she started painting a still-life. Instead of sympathizing with her feeling of disappointment of not finishing it, I thought to myself, "who paints still-lifes?" I was stuck on the unkind thought and chose to say nothing. That caused an uncomfortable silence. I hope I can learn instead to say, "Boy, it sounds like you feel disappointed for not being able to finish it." I was able to practice my new skill this week when another friend said she forgot to keep a promise to her child. I said, "I bet you felt awful about that." It was much nicer that trumping her story with another friend who did something even worse one time. We treat people like we're in competition with them sometimes instead of just showing empathy. This is a new way of thinking for me. Try it this week and share what happened. Rephrase what they said and add the feeling you heard. For example if they say, "I can't get my kid to pick up their toys" you can say, "You feel frustrated that they don't pick up after themselves and you have to?" They may figure out a method for accomplishing it, or they may ask for advice. They may even say that's not it at all and give you a different explanation for what they said. This truly helps me stop giving advice for a wrong assessment. Instead of advice, I can give a listening ear.