How to strengthen the family

In my family I try to give every family member at least 5 minutes of solid eye contact and listening. Weekly, we have a family night to either spend time playing games or religious instruction. Monthly my husband and I have a date. At least twice a year we take a trip together.

Ask how they feel

My daughter had a friend over one day. As typical, there was an argument and both girls were crying. After trying to solve the problem I backed up and asked by daughter how she felt and why. She said, "Sad, because she won't be my friend." Then I asked her friend who gave the same answer. Finally I said, "How about you both give each other a hug and be friends. They did and the tears were over! Legitimizing the feelings is a great way to start solving a problem.

If you can't say something nice

Have you ever heard: If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all? I have just learned about rephrasing what the person said to include the feeling you hear. The other day a friend said she started painting a still-life. Instead of sympathizing with her feeling of disappointment of not finishing it, I thought to myself, "who paints still-lifes?" I was stuck on the unkind thought and chose to say nothing. That caused an uncomfortable silence. I hope I can learn instead to say, "Boy, it sounds like you feel disappointed for not being able to finish it." I was able to practice my new skill this week when another friend said she forgot to keep a promise to her child. I said, "I bet you felt awful about that." It was much nicer that trumping her story with another friend who did something even worse one time. We treat people like we're in competition with them sometimes instead of just showing empathy. This is a new way of thinking for me. Try it this week and share what happened. Rephrase what they said and add the feeling you heard. For example if they say, "I can't get my kid to pick up their toys" you can say, "You feel frustrated that they don't pick up after themselves and you have to?" They may figure out a method for accomplishing it, or they may ask for advice. They may even say that's not it at all and give you a different explanation for what they said. This truly helps me stop giving advice for a wrong assessment. Instead of advice, I can give a listening ear.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

This book is a life-changing one especially in the area of communication. Although the first half, which discussed self-improvement, improved my understanding of what I can do to achieve my goals, the second half will affect every future conversation I have. I have tried to help my family members by teaching them the skills of self-improvement, but now I see that some of them are more affected by creative synergy. In essence I have been trying to teach them how to design a backyard landscape, when all they want me to teach them is how to build a fence. Until I can listen and validate their current goals, I will never be able to affect their perspective and vision of other goals. I will seek to rephrase their statements including the feelings I sense. When I show true concern for their feelings, my relationships will grow. My job now is to fully commit to wanting a better relationship with my friends and family.

Received a gift

I recently received some books on loan that I didn't want. All week I stressed about finding time to read them. After praying about it, I realized I could say, "no thank you." But how? 1)Calm down- relax my jaw, shoulders, fingers, and take three deep breaths. 2) Say, "that was sweet of you to think of me. Thank you." 3) Say, "no thanks." 4) Ask, "If I have more time, can I borrow them later?" My husband gave me great advice that I make it a don't call us, we'll call you statement at the end.

Teacher Chart

So far these are the steps I see for effective teaching. As a school teacher, I had a lot of teaching moments. I just started doing the first step and it helps with my stubborn family members.

Humble Spouse

My husband decided to teach me to pour honey on my toast. Of course I feel confident that I don't need help but my pride turned into anger and I told him he just pointed out my stupidity. I want to try being more humble by saying "That is a good way, but I don't have the energy to learn something new right now. Sorry." Now I've come up with a chart for how I could choose to take his advice and a seperate chart for how to nicely tell him the way he is suggesting will not work for me.

Conflict Resolution

When my kids are upset I have them express their feelings and get it all out before trying to solve the problem. Next they have to calm down. They can't use reason until they are calm. By the time they're calm, the solution is easy: just trade or take turns at this toddler age.

As an adult I have trouble dealing with disagreements, so I try to validate their feelings first before looking for a solution. Draw the line is a new concept on my chart, but it's the same as an enforcable statement in Love and Logic. You state what you will do and when.