Love and Logic Summary

Here are the basic principals (by Jim and Charles Fay) as I understand them

Teacher Chart

So far these are the steps I see for effective teaching. As a school teacher, I had a lot of teaching moments. I just started doing the first step and it helps with my stubborn family members.

Taming the Spirited Child

My daughter Stacy likes to play barbies, but wants to tell me who to be and what to say.  I was so annoyed I had to stop playing with her for a while. I discovered the book Taming the Spirited Child has a list of ways to play with such a child, some of which I hadn't tried for a while. I also liked the "palms up" technique. I've started doing less bossing and more asking what my child could do in a situation, but I like the signal of putting my palms up when I switch from telling to asking. I also liked helping the child discuss feelings, since this is huge for my daughter. For anger it uses a visualization of a hot stove. There's a different one for older kids too. Another tool I want to try from this book is to create an imaginary reality when she wants something she can't have. Yesterday she asked to go to Disney World tomorrow, but I didn't know how to create an imaginary reality. I'll have to practice I guess. The last big ah-ha in this book was the description of a strong-willed child: CAPPS. Curious, adventurous, powerful, persistent, and sensitive. I sure wish my mom knew about this description when raising my sister. I bet she would have give in to her less if she knew what she was up against.  I hope I can handle my CAPPS daughter well over the next 18 years!

Let the Consequence Follow

When Stacy was just turning 3, she had a 9 day defiant streak and it was then I knew I had a strong willed child.  I asked a councilor at my church about recommended books.  He named 2: "1, 2, 3 Magic" and "Parenting with Love and Logic."  I never did read the first book, but Love and Logic has taught me how to stop being manipulated by her and to draw the line on what I am willing to do.  My husband was trying to dress her but she kept changing her mind or saying he didn't do things right. I told him to tell her we're leaving now and don't get into her little game. As we started to walk out the door she cried and ran after us, shoes in hand. I'm sure that won't work forever, but we know how to draw the line.

We have an adult family member who wanted us to pay their rent.  We said yes, but next time you have to move in with us.  We already pay a mortgage and have an extra room.  We drew the line at what we are willing to do.  My parents want to bail people out all the time.  Yes, sometimes people need help, but if it's a pattern we need to draw the line somewhere and let the consequence follow.  It is such a liberating feeling to know I don't have to save my kids from their consequences. I can comfort them through it, but not save them from it. Not all teaching is done through words. Some lessons must be experienced.

Control over self

My daughter Stacy wanted a toy and the 2 girls were pulling it from each other.  I sent Stacy to her room and as I carried her to her room her time-out kept getting longer because she was screaming and kicking.  During her 20 minutes she kept poking out of her door to trade another toy for the one she wanted. I prayed about what to say as I'm reading "Teach them Diligently". When I went in and sat on her bed I told her she has a physical body that is selfish and a spirit inside that needs to control her actions. I said she has a good spirit, but it needs to be the boss of her body. She said she was sorry and I said I forgive her. Then we prayed to Jesus to forgive her too.  That could have been much worse if I got more angry and discouraged!

Ask a question

I've started trying to rephrase everything as a question. When a child bosses me I ask: How can you say that a nice way? Even "why are you doing that?" and "why do you like that?" build my understanding of each child and builds our relationship.

Conflict-Free Phrases

The author of "Love and Logic" recommends we tell our kids what we hope they will do. At first I didn't like not telling my kids what to do, but I'm trying this technique with co-workers, husbands, and my parents and it seems to take the conflict out of their response. I didn't nag my husband about eating the chips, but said, "I hope you are eating healthy." His response was, "I ate really healthy this week and this is my one cheat." That was much more calm than if I said, "Don't eat that!"

Another phrase I'm trying is: Hmm, let's think that through. I often respond to a suggestion negatively. My parents responded negatively to my suggestions, so I didn't tell them my ideas any more. I hope I can train myself to say this phrase while my kids are young so they will talk to me as teens. Tonight my daughter said, "I want something to eat," while we were in the car. I said, "Let's think that through." She said, "I'll make a burrito when we get home." Wow! No argument! I didn't have to act bossy either. Please add your conflict-free phrases as a comment. Thanks!

Enforceable Statements

Enforceable Statements: "Parenting with Love & Logic," Appendix B has a list of common situations with an appropriate enforceable statement.


Parents usually say: Don’t touch that! To make it an enforceable statement say: “Kids get to ______ when they do __(the opposite of what they are not supposed to do)__.” One example, as long as it isn’t something dangerous which would require immediate action, we can say: “Kids get to keep playing who keep their hands clean.” I actually say mine the other way around, I say: "When you do ____, you get to _______.

Discipline 101

This wonderful list is hidden in the middle of the book “Parenting with Love & Logic”, pg 148! These are suggestions for K-1 graders:

1. Avoid physical tussles with your kid.

2 & 3. Use orders sparingly. Say, “I wish you would” instead.

4. Give “I messages” to tell why you feel that way.

5. Sometimes thank the child in advance anticipating compliance.

6. Talk about feelings or expectations when a child is in a good mood.

7. Change location or separate child instead of trying to stop behavior.

8. Be emotional when things are done right! Be non-emotional when things are done poorly.

9. If you can’t deal with the situation, delay your reaction and get help finding the right consequence.

My kid is driving me crazy!

Do you feel your blood boil and you want to drop-kick your child to the next block when he does something wrong? Ya, we've all been there, but is there a calm way to deal with their behavior? Yes, you can have a canned response and you can even delay the consequence if it is over your head!

Strong-Willed Child

My oldest child is in the strong-willed child category. Fortunately, she's only 4, so it's real easy to overcome her defiance. However, I know that if I give her some choices, she will be much more likely to cooperate. Even if that choice is, "Do you want to walk up the stairs, or do you want me to carry you?" Excellent book too!

Love and Logic -Trials and Successes

Post your stories about a "Love and Logic" technique you tried with your family. Did it work for you? What might you do differently? I recommend this before you read the one for early childhood. I had trouble understanding the second book which was written by a different author.

Recent Parenting Experiences

Yesterday I posted some rules in my home that I no longer need to nag about. The consequence is immediate and consistant. My girls are 1 1/2 and almost 4, so the rules are: no pulling toys away, no pushing people over, no pulling hair, and no screaming at the table. If any of these are witnessed, they go straight to time out. Since I'm trying to use "Love and Logic" I first say: Oh Man :( and send them to time out. My girls only count to 10 in our house. After that they have to say they're sorry and practice getting what they want in a nice way.

Love and Logic by Cline & Fay

I love this parenting style! It does miss a huge component of parenting though: religion. Without appealing to a child's concience they don't learn to become a Godly adult.

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

What a great book! The author, Kevin Hinckley, covers so many topics that will help a huge variety of readers. I'm so excited about a blog!