Ask how they feel

My daughter had a friend over one day. As typical, there was an argument and both girls were crying. After trying to solve the problem I backed up and asked by daughter how she felt and why. She said, "Sad, because she won't be my friend." Then I asked her friend who gave the same answer. Finally I said, "How about you both give each other a hug and be friends. They did and the tears were over! Legitimizing the feelings is a great way to start solving a problem.

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Wow! This book states that kids don't learn about investing or saving money at school. They learn it from their parents. With the stock market so uncertain right now, it looks like real estate might be a good way to invest. Too bad the book doesn't tell people how to do it, just what not to do. I enjoyed this book as a springboard into more books and workshops on money. Funny, since I don't care for stuff. I do care a lot about financial security in uncertain times and I don't want to rely on the government to take care of me in my old age. What I learned about retirement homes recently is that if you have enough money you get to pick your retirement home or living environment, but if you don't the government will pick where you live. Let me tell you, it's not the same quality for low income homes as the other ones. This is what drives me to learn more about tax laws, investing, etc. Good luck to you as well!

Baby Whisperer

I found this book to be extremely helpful. Especially since I didn't have a mother nearby to tell me what baby movements or sounds meant what. I highly recommend this book which was the foundation of my philosophy of respect for my baby as a human being.

If you can't say something nice

Have you ever heard: If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all? I have just learned about rephrasing what the person said to include the feeling you hear. The other day a friend said she started painting a still-life. Instead of sympathizing with her feeling of disappointment of not finishing it, I thought to myself, "who paints still-lifes?" I was stuck on the unkind thought and chose to say nothing. That caused an uncomfortable silence. I hope I can learn instead to say, "Boy, it sounds like you feel disappointed for not being able to finish it." I was able to practice my new skill this week when another friend said she forgot to keep a promise to her child. I said, "I bet you felt awful about that." It was much nicer that trumping her story with another friend who did something even worse one time. We treat people like we're in competition with them sometimes instead of just showing empathy. This is a new way of thinking for me. Try it this week and share what happened. Rephrase what they said and add the feeling you heard. For example if they say, "I can't get my kid to pick up their toys" you can say, "You feel frustrated that they don't pick up after themselves and you have to?" They may figure out a method for accomplishing it, or they may ask for advice. They may even say that's not it at all and give you a different explanation for what they said. This truly helps me stop giving advice for a wrong assessment. Instead of advice, I can give a listening ear.

Off Duty

It has come to my attention that everyone needs a few minutes each day to regroup and focus on what needs to be done. I have started telling my kids that at 9pm I am "off duty." This gives me a few minutes to myself on days my husband is out of town. Otherwise, I try to go "off duty" during the day for about 30 minutes. It helps me not feel overwhelmed and undervalued. Do you take a few minutes each day, or do you try taking time on a weekly basis?

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

This book is a life-changing one especially in the area of communication. Although the first half, which discussed self-improvement, improved my understanding of what I can do to achieve my goals, the second half will affect every future conversation I have. I have tried to help my family members by teaching them the skills of self-improvement, but now I see that some of them are more affected by creative synergy. In essence I have been trying to teach them how to design a backyard landscape, when all they want me to teach them is how to build a fence. Until I can listen and validate their current goals, I will never be able to affect their perspective and vision of other goals. I will seek to rephrase their statements including the feelings I sense. When I show true concern for their feelings, my relationships will grow. My job now is to fully commit to wanting a better relationship with my friends and family.

Privilege with Responsibility

My daughter is 5. She cried all the way to swim class because we forgot her goggles. I told her sometimes I make a checklist so I don't forget things. She liked the idea. She also wanted to walk to class on her own. I told her if she uses her checklist every day and is responsible, she can have the privilege of walking to class alone.  She drew her own pictures of what to take. Let's see if she can remember to do it each day. Hmm, I might remind her 15 minutes before we have to leave so she has time to gather everything. She can't read a clock yet.

Tantrums and Apologies

My daughter is 3, so I forget that she is still a toddler. Her temper-tantrums hide in the disguise of disagreement. I thought if we could just resolve the problem with her sister she would stop pulling hair and hitting. Now I see that she she needs more than a 10 second time-out as a consequence. I forgot that she needs to get it all out, but she should do it in her room or a special spot instead of disrupting our activities all the time. She was in control of my life. Now I can take back control in a positive way. After her tantrum is over, I started a 2 minute Time-Out, which I frowned upon with my older child.  It seems my younger child is more of a thinker and needs some think time before coming back to play.

Selflessness and Getting our Needs Met

Are your basic needs being met? Do you have enough food, shelter, and love? When a person feels resentment toward another person it is often because their basic needs aren't being met. They feel jealous that someone else has more. We need to take the resentment out of the equation and face our own feelings. I have my kids think about what they want. Then ask. Look inside yourself and search for the source of the resentment. Currently, my basic needs are all being met, so it is very easy for me to be selfless. I can give money because I have enough. I can give time because I have enough. But there was a time when I did not have my basic needs met. I think the goal in this life is to stop feeling resentment toward others and be selfless both in times of plenty and times of famine. When we are in need we should recognize it and ask for help. Sometimes there is no other option but to do without. It is in those times that we call upon God to give us strength and eventually change our attitude about the situation so we can be an instrument of God's love to others instead of being a big grump. In those times when we do have enough, we need to show gratitude and then share. If we are continuing to seek what we don't have once our needs are met, we have lost sight of the goal to be more Christ-like. Find a way to show selflessness at home or at work today!

Bathroom Notes

I think all successful people have motivational notes to themselves they can see on a daily basis. Mine are on sticky notes in the bathroom. They are: Be aware of other's needs, Be willing to give, Be willing to admit faults, Be flexible with my plan, Postive Attitude! (tone of voice/words), Enthusiastic Example, EEECH time/person (Enlighten, Entertain, Encourage, Console, Help), Humble Leader-Try, Humble Listener- Good Luck/Did you think about..., Humble Follower-Listen to council, try other ideas.
If you're like me you'd want to know how I came up with these. They are individualized based on the seven deadly sins. I took the ones I struggle with and rephrased them in a positive way: wrath-positive attitude, greed-willing to give, sloth-follow God's plan, pride-admit faults, lust, envy-humble, and gluttony-be aware of other's needs. There was one more thing I struggled with and had to flip to a positive which was: don't brag or complain about my activities. That flipped to EEECH so I can interact in a selfless way with others. What ways to you talk positively to yourself?

Received a gift

I recently received some books on loan that I didn't want. All week I stressed about finding time to read them. After praying about it, I realized I could say, "no thank you." But how? 1)Calm down- relax my jaw, shoulders, fingers, and take three deep breaths. 2) Say, "that was sweet of you to think of me. Thank you." 3) Say, "no thanks." 4) Ask, "If I have more time, can I borrow them later?" My husband gave me great advice that I make it a don't call us, we'll call you statement at the end.

Love and Logic Summary

Here are the basic principals (by Jim and Charles Fay) as I understand them

Teacher Chart

So far these are the steps I see for effective teaching. As a school teacher, I had a lot of teaching moments. I just started doing the first step and it helps with my stubborn family members.

Humble Spouse

My husband decided to teach me to pour honey on my toast. Of course I feel confident that I don't need help but my pride turned into anger and I told him he just pointed out my stupidity. I want to try being more humble by saying "That is a good way, but I don't have the energy to learn something new right now. Sorry." Now I've come up with a chart for how I could choose to take his advice and a seperate chart for how to nicely tell him the way he is suggesting will not work for me.

Conflict Resolution

When my kids are upset I have them express their feelings and get it all out before trying to solve the problem. Next they have to calm down. They can't use reason until they are calm. By the time they're calm, the solution is easy: just trade or take turns at this toddler age.

As an adult I have trouble dealing with disagreements, so I try to validate their feelings first before looking for a solution. Draw the line is a new concept on my chart, but it's the same as an enforcable statement in Love and Logic. You state what you will do and when.

Combat Selfishness

Here are 4 ways to combat selfishness in our kids. 1) Give them service opportunities. 2) Don't give them everything without them working for some of it. 3) Show gratitude to God for our blessings. 4) If they don't respect what we give them, they don't get to use it.

Pride

I wanted to share my thoughts on this. Prideful vs Humble Phrases:
Leader: (Prideful) You’re too stupid, let me do it! I can't work with you!
(Humble) It may not come out perfect, but give it a try.

Listener: (Prideful) That’s a stupid way to do it! You're on your own!
(Humble) I hope that works out for you. Did you think about this?

Follower: (Prideful) I’m not stupid! I can do it! I can do it alone.
(Humble) Do you have any suggestions? My way isn’t working/could be better.

It looks like pride separates people and keeps them from working together, growing as one body of

Christ.

Prideful people organize others into categories of dumb and smart.
Humble people organize others into categories of degrees of mastery and understands that we are all
working at different levels for our various intelligences. My dad thinks his worthiness is static and he isn’t
good enough. If he isn’t trying, he isn’t improving. Someone we know lacks confidence, but she
used to be different. In some areas she isn’t progressing, she’s regressing. A friend said: why didn’t you put your kids in a preschool? Instead of judging, she could have asked me what I was thinking when I made that choice.
I hope this is useful to you.  It's easy to see where I can improve.

Taming the Spirited Child

My daughter Stacy likes to play barbies, but wants to tell me who to be and what to say.  I was so annoyed I had to stop playing with her for a while. I discovered the book Taming the Spirited Child has a list of ways to play with such a child, some of which I hadn't tried for a while. I also liked the "palms up" technique. I've started doing less bossing and more asking what my child could do in a situation, but I like the signal of putting my palms up when I switch from telling to asking. I also liked helping the child discuss feelings, since this is huge for my daughter. For anger it uses a visualization of a hot stove. There's a different one for older kids too. Another tool I want to try from this book is to create an imaginary reality when she wants something she can't have. Yesterday she asked to go to Disney World tomorrow, but I didn't know how to create an imaginary reality. I'll have to practice I guess. The last big ah-ha in this book was the description of a strong-willed child: CAPPS. Curious, adventurous, powerful, persistent, and sensitive. I sure wish my mom knew about this description when raising my sister. I bet she would have give in to her less if she knew what she was up against.  I hope I can handle my CAPPS daughter well over the next 18 years!