Let the Consequence Follow

When Stacy was just turning 3, she had a 9 day defiant streak and it was then I knew I had a strong willed child.  I asked a councilor at my church about recommended books.  He named 2: "1, 2, 3 Magic" and "Parenting with Love and Logic."  I never did read the first book, but Love and Logic has taught me how to stop being manipulated by her and to draw the line on what I am willing to do.  My husband was trying to dress her but she kept changing her mind or saying he didn't do things right. I told him to tell her we're leaving now and don't get into her little game. As we started to walk out the door she cried and ran after us, shoes in hand. I'm sure that won't work forever, but we know how to draw the line.

We have an adult family member who wanted us to pay their rent.  We said yes, but next time you have to move in with us.  We already pay a mortgage and have an extra room.  We drew the line at what we are willing to do.  My parents want to bail people out all the time.  Yes, sometimes people need help, but if it's a pattern we need to draw the line somewhere and let the consequence follow.  It is such a liberating feeling to know I don't have to save my kids from their consequences. I can comfort them through it, but not save them from it. Not all teaching is done through words. Some lessons must be experienced.

Control over self

My daughter Stacy wanted a toy and the 2 girls were pulling it from each other.  I sent Stacy to her room and as I carried her to her room her time-out kept getting longer because she was screaming and kicking.  During her 20 minutes she kept poking out of her door to trade another toy for the one she wanted. I prayed about what to say as I'm reading "Teach them Diligently". When I went in and sat on her bed I told her she has a physical body that is selfish and a spirit inside that needs to control her actions. I said she has a good spirit, but it needs to be the boss of her body. She said she was sorry and I said I forgive her. Then we prayed to Jesus to forgive her too.  That could have been much worse if I got more angry and discouraged!

Ask a question

I've started trying to rephrase everything as a question. When a child bosses me I ask: How can you say that a nice way? Even "why are you doing that?" and "why do you like that?" build my understanding of each child and builds our relationship.

Conflict-Free Phrases

The author of "Love and Logic" recommends we tell our kids what we hope they will do. At first I didn't like not telling my kids what to do, but I'm trying this technique with co-workers, husbands, and my parents and it seems to take the conflict out of their response. I didn't nag my husband about eating the chips, but said, "I hope you are eating healthy." His response was, "I ate really healthy this week and this is my one cheat." That was much more calm than if I said, "Don't eat that!"

Another phrase I'm trying is: Hmm, let's think that through. I often respond to a suggestion negatively. My parents responded negatively to my suggestions, so I didn't tell them my ideas any more. I hope I can train myself to say this phrase while my kids are young so they will talk to me as teens. Tonight my daughter said, "I want something to eat," while we were in the car. I said, "Let's think that through." She said, "I'll make a burrito when we get home." Wow! No argument! I didn't have to act bossy either. Please add your conflict-free phrases as a comment. Thanks!

Chores by age from Focus on the Family

Here's another great resource for what chores your child can do. I often forget to bring the chores up to the next level. I remember feeling that things were unfair as a child, but now that I think of it, my younger siblings had to do chores at a younger age than I did. I still feel that the money was given unequally to the younger kids. I guess I should have whined more! Seriously though, I want to try making things as fair as possible for my kids by following trusted lists such as this one on age-appropriate chores.

Enforceable Statements

Enforceable Statements: "Parenting with Love & Logic," Appendix B has a list of common situations with an appropriate enforceable statement.


Parents usually say: Don’t touch that! To make it an enforceable statement say: “Kids get to ______ when they do __(the opposite of what they are not supposed to do)__.” One example, as long as it isn’t something dangerous which would require immediate action, we can say: “Kids get to keep playing who keep their hands clean.” I actually say mine the other way around, I say: "When you do ____, you get to _______.

Discipline 101

This wonderful list is hidden in the middle of the book “Parenting with Love & Logic”, pg 148! These are suggestions for K-1 graders:

1. Avoid physical tussles with your kid.

2 & 3. Use orders sparingly. Say, “I wish you would” instead.

4. Give “I messages” to tell why you feel that way.

5. Sometimes thank the child in advance anticipating compliance.

6. Talk about feelings or expectations when a child is in a good mood.

7. Change location or separate child instead of trying to stop behavior.

8. Be emotional when things are done right! Be non-emotional when things are done poorly.

9. If you can’t deal with the situation, delay your reaction and get help finding the right consequence.

Keepsake Calendar

I loved using a keepsake calendar (which comes in 3 colors) instead of a memory book or journal.  I simply couldn't keep up with the journaling I had done only days before the baby was born. To open a book was too much, but to have a calendar by the changing table was so easy! Great baby shower gift!

Too Much TV

I've struggled with TV lately and tried a ticket system which I've abandoned and plan to try again later. With 1 child napping and the older one, Stacy, waiting for her to wake up, I don't know what to do with her! So we switched from TV to computer games. I have discovered that computer games don't affect her as negatively as watching TV. She doesn't become as defiant or zoned out of reality. I felt horrible about allowing Stacy to play on the computer for 2 or more hours while her sister Emma sleeps. I also only allow her to play games that have an educational or social aspect. Once she's on it's difficult to get her off, so the new rule is she has to stop when her sister wakes up and Stacy can't start until after 20 minutes of quality time with me. She gets to pick between reading or Wii Sport.  So far she chooses reading every time! I keep following the same trick of requiring some task before she gets the reward. I do that with eating as well. After she eats all her food groups she gets the desert.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

LDS.org - Family Chapter Detail - The Family:A Proclamation to the World I noticed Dr. Laura echoed the fact that the American Heart Association did a study that showed women who took on high stress business jobs had a higher heart attack rate than men in these positions, but more interesting is that men who were stay at home dads had an 82% higher 10 year death rate than other men. I guess gender roles really are by divine design!

What Happens When Women Say Yes to God

I read this a while ago, but it still imacts my life. I continually listen for that still small voice to guide me each day and it has done amazing things! I wanted to sign my girls up for gymnastics or other classes and got the answer to wait. I hate to wait, but God doesn't make mistakes. Now I see that by waiting I had time to dabble in some old hobbies which may turn into a miraculous work for abused children! I wrote a song long ago that would make a perfect theme song for the local Children's Advocacy Center. All my life I've wanted to make a difference. Sitting in a stinky gym never would have given me the joy this project has brought me. I'm sure my kids will someday understand my ignoring them for a few hours.

Potty Training

Wow! We are so excited! Yesterday our 2 year old went potty in the morning before she came downstairs. It was the first time without help! Later she pooped in the potty without help at naptime! We took a picture of her standing next to the potty. My sister has a daughter the same age and mentioned her daughter goes in her diaper before she wakes up. I just have my girl sit on the potty every morning whether she needs to go or not. When she takes her diaper off around the house we sing a song to the tune "London Bridges" and the words "Take your diaper off in the bathroom, in the bathroom...Little Girl." Potty training is a slow step-by-step process in which she has to learn to go on command, pull off the right amount of toilet paper, flush, pull up pants. Just stopping peeing in the diaper and finishing in the potty is a great step!

Sharing

When learning to share I started with a 2 1/2 year old and an infant by telling the older one to say, "No, no sweety," and gently take the object away when baby grabbed her stuff.  Now that they are 4 and 2 I have a new jingle to the melody, "Michael Finnigan." The words are: "Trade, take turns, then ask Mommy, trade, take turns, then ask Mommy...This is how we share!" We have seen the picture, discussed it, and practiced it, but they still need help taking turns. The older one knows how to look for something to trade, but counting to 10 while waiting to take turns is still too difficult for them without help. I actually want them to learn to go to an adult for help when they can't solve it themselves. Otherwise one of them gets hurt. How do you teach your children to share?

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

by Dr Laura Schlessinger. This book gave a lot of examples of people who wrote in or called expressing frustration or joy in their marriage. It gave me a greater respect for my husband who wants what is best for me and my family. It also gave me some areas to work on, such as allowing my husband to get his needs met and politely asking him to do the same. I love that Dr. Laura was not afraid to speak honestly about the feminists who want everything, but are not willing to give anything in return. I highly recommend this book! Your husband will love it too.

Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld

I have now started adding pureed vegetables into all kinds of recipes from pizza crust to smoothies! I normally don't cook, but I can buy a box of cake mix for instance and add sweet potato before I put it in the oven. Simple! And it takes away guilt from so much carbs.

Introducing a New Toy

When my first daughter was little I would try to teach her how to use a new toy. Now I allow her to explore it her own way. I rediscovered this while teaching her to decorate with icing. After trying to show her, I gave her a picture with wax paper on top and a bag of icing and let her go.  It was great!

New Rules

What better place to learn parenting than from God. In Moses chapter 5:6 it says, "And after many days an angel of the Lord appeared unto Adam saying: why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord? And Adam said unto him: I know not save the Lord commanded me. I usually wait until I can explain a rule before I give the rule, but that is backwards. How do you present a new rule? Sometimes I wait until the negative consequence has been experience to give the new rule.

Einstein Never Used Flash Cards

By Hirsh-Pasek & Golinkoff This book has amazing data! It shows child development and the data that backs up their suggested techniques. It even clarifies studies that are often quoted by the media. The techniques are simple to use ways to educate by age. Interesting: a professional family hears 6 affirmations to 1 disapproval, working class hears 2 affirmations to 1 disapproval, and welfare homes hear 1 affirmation to 2 disapproval! Wow! The power of the self-fulfilling prophecy!

Finding a Trusted Parenting Source

As a new parent the first thing we feel is anxiety to do everything right. We seek advice from every direction. Then we start to resent advice because the opinions we hear are so different. We try to go with our gut, but even that doesn't seem very concrete. Now that my children are toddler and preschool age, I have found the sources I trust. Step one is identify your parenting style. It helps to look at your parents' styles too. Next we look at our childrens' personalities. Finally, we look at which parenting styles historically produce the best results. For more ideas on which parenting styles historically produce the best results, read Kevin Hinckley's book about the Strong-willed Child.

Feeling Bad?

When we feel bad it motivates us to change. When we are depressed we think about others who are suffering and wonder how we can help others. When we are sick we search for the ailment and the cure. When we are bored we look for activities to do. I wonder if people seek a quick fix for feeling bad. I think many people want to be entertained all the time. Boredom gives us a chance to think about what our priorities are.

Communicating

I have been focusing on better communication in my marriage, but I think this might work with everyone. 1. Stick to the topic. Don't argue about 10 things at once. Focus on 1 thing. 2. Be clear and specific about needs and wants. 3. Express how I feel. When I put an emotion with my request it has more impact. 4. Explain why I do things the way I do them. Usually I'm afraid that if I tell others why I do something I will be judged. That probably came from my upbringing. Often when I explain why, I get a suggestion that actually works!

Memories

I love to keep journals and records of my kids' activities, so how will I condense that into an enjoyable format for the kids and family members? I plan to upload pictures to Walmart and make a memory album every 5 years for each child. I can also include as much text as I want, where I will write about their likes, events, and things they learned each year. This will be a lot faster than scrapbooking. I think it may only take a few hours to make up the whole book, but I think family history will be so much easier if I break it up into 5 year chunks.

The Power of a Praying Wife by Omartian

This book was very helpful to me in understanding some of my husband's needs and that through prayer God may inspire me or those around me to strengthen him to be a better person. I highly recommend this and her other book about the Praying Parent.

My kid is driving me crazy!

Do you feel your blood boil and you want to drop-kick your child to the next block when he does something wrong? Ya, we've all been there, but is there a calm way to deal with their behavior? Yes, you can have a canned response and you can even delay the consequence if it is over your head!

Spoiled or Not?

When I was a kid, I had 2 pairs of pants and 1 Barbie. Now my daughter has more than she can handle. So how can you tell if your child is becoming spoiled? Well, does your child value her things? Does she have to work for some toys and work to repair damages? Having taught in several schools, I have found that each school has a culture. I taught in 2 affluent schools. In one the children acted spoiled and in the other they did not. I could tell right away what the difference was. The good school had regular service projects. The students wrote letters to the troops, they recycled, they donated food. This is key! I have already taken my kids around to sell cookies and donate the money to needy kids. We will go the the retirement center with flowers in the spring. One more way to keep your child from being spoiled is to put your foot down and don't give in! If they want a toy, maybe you'll say yes, but if you say no, you can't change your mind. Spoiled is the result of being allowed to make an unfair number of choices for a family. Our children are expected to respect authority and are allowed to discuss their opinions in a respectful way.

Frustration and Faith

I find that frustration comes from a lack of faith. Is your frustration caused by your lack of faith in yourself to solve the problem correctly, that God will let the situation ever end, or in those around you to handle their situation? If your frustration stems from your lack of faith in yourself, because you don't know how to handle daily parenting situations, that's OK. Admitting it is the first step. Go to the Lord in prayer to find the best solution for you. Sometimes God tells me which type of book to buy during my evening prayers. I recommend the "Love and Logic" techniques because they are easy and can be applied in so many situations! If that's not for you, please find something else that brings calm to your reaction. Buy a book or take a workshop. Have faith that God will allow your situation to end. If you are dealing with something life-threatening, God will be with you every step of the way. Have faith in your children, your husband, and those around you. They can handle it! Your job is to do God's will in your life. As a parent, you are to teach your children to clean up their own messes. Take a deep breath! It's just spilled milk!

Introvert/Follower/Thinker

It will take much more time for this child to warm up to a new environment. Maybe when the child starts to feel at ease, you can introduce this child to one friend in the class so he can feel more comfortable without you.

Strong-Willed/Structure

I've found that children with this combination need to know the plan ahead of time, or they will rebel at the moment their assumed plan changes. Of course, we can't always cater to our kids, but we can smooth the transitions a little to make life easier on everyone.

Creative/Feeling vs. Creative/Thinker

I had the hardest time finding toys for my toddler. Now I see that a Creative/Thinker likes blocks and science, but a Creative/Feeler likes pictures of family or favorite characters and art. Now that she's 4, I'm giving her a camera for her birthday. Thank goodness her aunt is also a Creative/Feeler. I can go off her interests for my daughter.

Strong-Willed Child

My oldest child is in the strong-willed child category. Fortunately, she's only 4, so it's real easy to overcome her defiance. However, I know that if I give her some choices, she will be much more likely to cooperate. Even if that choice is, "Do you want to walk up the stairs, or do you want me to carry you?" Excellent book too!

Contentment

I consider myself an expert on contentment, because my parents are both miserable and approach life from two extremes. One tries to complete tasks and earn God's love. The other tries to please herself by reaching for opportunities she missed in her youth. Neither approach will work. There are many elements to achieving happiness. 1) Be where you are. 2) Accept God's Grace. 3) Set achievable goals. 4) Have a product.

Love and Logic -Trials and Successes

Post your stories about a "Love and Logic" technique you tried with your family. Did it work for you? What might you do differently? I recommend this before you read the one for early childhood. I had trouble understanding the second book which was written by a different author.

Leadership

It occurred to me that as a woman I rely on my husband to be the leader of the family, but if I want to motivate family members in a positive way, I need to work on my leadership skills. It turns out, even Biblical women need to be strong leaders in the home. I haven't found any books on female leadership within marriage. If anyone finds one, please comment to this post!

Stephen Frueh - Author

I just listened to his audio podcast available for free through http://www.marriageconversation.com/ called "Yes, No, Maybe" in which he talks about a life where we don't do things we want to do, but maintain the status quo because we are afraid of how others will perceive us. I recently watched "Yes Man" on DVD, so I was suprised to hear Dr. Frueh recommend we start by saying "no" to things. If I stop saying maybe, and say no instead, I might be able to do the things I'm really excited about. I haven't read his book, but let me know if you like it!

The Parenting Breakthrough by Boyack

This is an LDS book about teaching responsibility. I love the concept that the chores your kids do are preparing them for adult life. The author writes about allowance, and budgeting as well. I noticed that the principles in this book apply to spirituality as well, since children practice gospel techniques a little at a time with parents demonstrating how to do them and eventually kids have to become responsible for themselves.

Suggest a Book or Technique here!

Feel free to let us know what works for you!

Nurture by Nature by Tieger

I am so glad to know my daughter's personality type out of 16 explained in this book. It also has stories of other kids with this personality at 3 different ages. My daughter has the same personality type as my sister, which means I need to watch out! But I also can steer her toward similar interests. This book is where the personality categories come from at the top of my blog.

Confess Your Parenting Style!

1. How much Control do you seek to impose on your child's life? 2. How much warmth or Nurturing to you demonstrate? 3. How much Anxiety do you show when you interact with your child? Answer each of these with either high or low.

Recent Parenting Experiences

Yesterday I posted some rules in my home that I no longer need to nag about. The consequence is immediate and consistant. My girls are 1 1/2 and almost 4, so the rules are: no pulling toys away, no pushing people over, no pulling hair, and no screaming at the table. If any of these are witnessed, they go straight to time out. Since I'm trying to use "Love and Logic" I first say: Oh Man :( and send them to time out. My girls only count to 10 in our house. After that they have to say they're sorry and practice getting what they want in a nice way.

Love and Logic by Cline & Fay

I love this parenting style! It does miss a huge component of parenting though: religion. Without appealing to a child's concience they don't learn to become a Godly adult.

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

What a great book! The author, Kevin Hinckley, covers so many topics that will help a huge variety of readers. I'm so excited about a blog!